- Dis Naija People Sef!
A Nigerian business tycoon was at a social gathering where other wealthy men were present. The businessman looked for all ways
to oppress the other rich men who were present at the gathering. Just
for that foolish reason, he sent
for his driver and had this conversation with him:
"Driver, go to my house, not the green one, the red one. Not the red
one in Ikoyi, the red one in Victoria Island. Not the one in Adeola
Odeku, the one on Etim Iyang Crescent. Not No 22, but No 11. It is a black
gate you will see, fling it open.
You will see a green Honda Civic. Perpendicularly, adjacently opposite
to the Civic is a blue Toyota Carina E. It is not that one.
Trigonometrically, geometrically, hypotenously 90 degrees to the 306 is a Mazda
929. It is not that one. The Mazda is very close to a regular Benz, the
regular Benz is behind a 406, the 406 is beside Volvo S40 which is in
front of a Honda Accord blocking a Toyota RAV4 opposite a Honda CRV. That
makes a crescent to the Prado Jeep.
On getting to the Prado Jeep, make
a diagonal sharp turn to the left extreme right top corner, on your way
to where I parked the M-Class, very close
to the E-Class in front of the Beast at the back of the swimming pool
is a lovely S Type Jaguar. Don't touch the bonnet. Go to the boot,
fling it open. You will see red, white and blue briefcases. The red one
contains dollars, 10 million dollars. Don't touch it. The blue contains
pounds, 8 million pounds. Don't touch it. The white one contains Naira,
500s, 200s, 100s,
50s, 20s, 10s denominations. I arranged them in hierarchical order. 500
Nairas in first layer, 200 Nairas in second, 100 Nairas 3rd layer, 50
Nairas 4th layer, 20 Nairas 5th and 10 Nairas top floor. Take one 10
Naira. Go and use it to buy pure water, and don't forget to bring my
change!"
- Ever wondered why its so hard to find a job in Nigeria???????
Mburu Kinuthia had just been retrenched from a high flying job, and now he set out hoping to bounce back into the job market.
He started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6a.m. While his coffee pot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN ENGLAND, IMPORTED FROM DUBAI), designer jeans (MADE IN SOUTH AFRICA) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).
After looking his breakfast on his new electric cooker (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today.
After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN JAPAN) according to BBC (BROADCASTING FROM LONDON) time, he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY AND REFURBISHED IN BELGIUM) and continued his search for a good paying NIGERIAN JOB.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Kinuthia decided to relax for a while. He sat on his leather couch (MADE IN CANADA) reading a bestseller novel (PUBLISHED IN USA).
After a while he wanted to refresh himself.
He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), to CNN TRANSMITTED FROM AMERICA) and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in.....NIGERIA...I wonder too.
- Was this your popsie's style or your style?
A love letter (by REUBEN ABATI - Nigeriaworld.com)
I was riffling through my old things the other weekend: Secondary school
note books, undergraduate files and somewhere in my notebook for PhiChemBi
(pronounced FI-KEM-BA): Physics, Chemistry, Biology). I'd come across a
true relic from the past: a love letter I'd written to the first girl I was
supposed to have loved. How the letter survives till today is a comment on
my personal habits. I don't keep diaries - I've always thought that only
mean people do - but I never fail to keep documents. Letters, ordinary
notes, office memos are carefully hidden away somewhere in my unending file
of documents. My wife says it is junk but as it happened that weekend, I
encountered a document which recalled past memories. The keeping of junk
probably has its uses after all.
The letter in question is not an ordinary letter. It is the first letter
I'd ever written to any girl. It was also written in a particular style. As
secondary school students, we had our own way of doing things. A form three
student as we then were who was just being introduced to the mysteries of
science and agriculture, invariably felt that a love letter was a good
forum to show off his erudition. Every love letter was scrutinised by one's
circle of peers. For the writing of this particular letter, I had no fewer
than 10 advisers. The letter kept going back and forth with each person,
adding his own line. Our objective was simple: that the girl to whom is was
addressed should fall head over heels in love. We had high hopes that the
letter would do the trick. You probably also once wrote such a letter.
It is as follows:
"At school, July 10, 1978 My dearest, sweetest, fondest, fantastic,
extra-ordinary, paragon of beauty a.k.a Bose. I hope this letter meets you
in a fabulous state of metabolism, if so doxology. My principal aim of
writing this letter to you is to gravitate your mind towards a matter of
global and universal importance, which has been troubling my soul. The
matter is so important. Even as I am writing, my adrenalin is 100 per cent
on the Richter scale, my temperature is rising, the windvane of my mind is
pointing North, South and East at the same time; the mirror in my eyes has
only your divine image. Indeed when I sleep, you are the one in my medulla
oblongata, and I dream about you. I went out to sea in my dream, and I saw
you: surrounded by H20 and you in your majesty rose from the abdomen of the
sea like Yemoja, the avatar of beauty. Oh, Lord be with us! We are thy
servants.
As you can see, I am in a serious dilemma. And I want you to take my matter
seriously. At this junction, what our Lord said on this matter is germane.
He says we should ask, and we shall be given, we should seek and we will
find, and that we should knock, and it will be opened unto us. I am this
10th day of the seventh month in the year of our Lord, one thousand, nine
hundred and seven eight, asking, seeking and knocking at your door. My
prayer is that thou should open so that thy servant can enter. I want to
wake up in the morning and see only your face.
I want you to be the only sugar in my tea, the only fly in my ointment, the
butter on my bread, the grey matter of my system, the oxygen in my head,
the planet of my universe, the wall clock of my room. The conveyor belt of
my soul. I pray that you realise the gargantuan nature of my predicament.
If you refuse, my life will be like tea without sugar, like a snail without
shell, a Xmas goat without a horn; in fact I'd become an orphan. In fact
I'd kill myself. What is life if I can't wake up in the morning and behold
your face? You model of pulchritude, patiently created by God on a Sunday
morning before he went on a deserved holiday. Please Bose, let me be your
Romeo. Make me the Adam to your Eve. Shakespeare said it all: if music be
the food of love, play on. I want to emphasise, universally and
responsibly, that you are love itself. You are the metaphor, oxymoron,
thesis, antithesis, irony, gerund, conjunction and the adverb of love.
At this juncture, let me also say that geography of your body is a
permanent allelluia. Not from your body, ammonia, urea and iodine- you are
too beautiful for that, what I see in your body is milk and honey. At this
juncture, brevity is the soul of wit. A stitch in time saves nine.
Procrastination is the thief of time. An opportunity once lost can never be
regained. Make hay while the sun shines. All that glitters is not gold. The
journey of a thousand years begins with a step. What God has put together
let no man put asunder. To be a man is not an easy task even if God's time
is the best. But time waits for no one. A man without love is like a fish
out of water. I know you are a sagacious girl. If you like the veracity of
what I am saying, please fill the attached form and let me have it pronto.
The mark at the bottom of this page is a kiss from me to you.
I remain Your beloved, faithful, loyal, One and only admirer."
- Reasons to Date a Naija Man:
- He understands your accent
- He knows that when you suffix every sentence with now', its not a command, e.g. "Come let's go now..."
- When you guys go out, he pays and doesn't expect a refund of exactly half!
- He understands why you have to send money home -probably doing the same himself!
- He doesn't see your kid sister staying in your house as an inconvenience/ cramping his style.
- He doesn't think you should put your parents in a home.
- He eats 'Gbegiri and Amala' and doesn't think it's 'yucky' or 'spicy'. In a nutshell, loves your cooking.
- He gets your jokes.
- He has got his education or he got something going on.
- He may be a baby daddy but he loves his kid and takes care of him.
- He can have a bus load of conversation without him saying much 'cos his momma taught him that.
- He loves to see you shake that ass to Sir Shina Peters, the original "Back That Ass Up" master.
- He will settle an argument and say sorry while maintaining his man status.
- I am IN charge but he is THE charge, we understand that.
- He knows where he is from. Living in NY does not mean you are from NY.
- He thinks you're so pretty without makeup.
- He calls you native endearing names like "Nne" or"Omo"
- He has respect [not to be confused with obedience] for his elders? important.
- The way he gets embarrassed and says "I beg e" when you compliment him.
- The way he says "I love you baby"? May be very fake yet sounds so TRUE!
- The way he calls you his wife in front of all his friends.
- The way he knows that it is you calling and answers the phone "Hey Baby!" without looking at the caller ID.
- The way Naija men look when they are all decked out in native? there is nothing sexier than a dark chocolate man in lace o!
- Pronounces your name like say na im born you.
- The way he flows from Ebonics to Pidgin English to Akata with ease.
- He is just at home at your office picnic as he is at the Naija reunion.
- He appreciates the art of yanshrolling when he sees one!
- Keeps yo from doing wahala by buying a stickshift vehicle he knows U can't drive!
- He saves you money on groceries a la "limited diet". Just cook the stew and he'll figure the rest? Eba, Amala,Fufu or even plain old White Bread!
- No need for breast implants to impress am!
- He knows to allow you like three hours to get ready for a party!
- He thinks the small gap between your front teeth are actually sexy!!!!
- Finally; Cool Cos He Is Just A Naija Man Period!!
- As I laid on my bed, thinking about you, I felt this urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I couldn't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you started to nibble, pierce and bite my body without any guilt and cares in this world, and you drove me out of my mind as you sucked me dry.
Today, when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still shows your marks, making it harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...as soon as you appear I will quickly grab you and won't let you go, will hold you, with all my strength so you won't disappear. Won't rest until I squeeze your blood out...youuu...
.......................BLOODY MOSQUITO
- After a long period of silence a guy in West Africa phones his
good pal in London and the following conversation ensued....
Chike: Nna.. How now??, long tam no see you!
Chidi: Nna, I just dey o. Wetin dey happen now ?
Chike: I jus dey.. Ah beg, I need your hep for sontin...
Chidi: (grumbles) Na wetin?
Chike: Ah won borrow small money from una
Chidi: Hello? Hello? I can't hear u well o
Chike: I say ah need small money from una
Chidi: Hello? Hello? ..dis line no clear o..
Chike: (yelling into the phone) Ah say come borrow me small money
abeg!
Chidi: Hello? Hello??, I still can not hear you!
(The phone operator now butts in)
Operator: He said he wants you to borrow him money!
Chidi: NNA YOU WEY HEAR AM WELL GIVE AM THE MONEY NOW! Foolish
operator shiooo...
- UNILAG is the only place where (Any Great Ife jokes? Send dem, abeg...):
1.A guy goes to Jand and his aburo in UNILAG speaks
"fone" on his behalf ... with a yankee accent ... thanks to AIT jamz Dee1
2.A good looking guy has clothes and insists he cannot get a girl
till he gets that new Sean John shirt and the new Timberland boots...his
pair which was sent from Yankee 5 months ago is now old.
3.The same guy gets the aforementioned clothes and gets a 504 without a/c
and now says he needs his a/c so he can get chicks....
4. This guy will go to his mechanic with three chicks chopping ice cream and
double 4 and dancing to J-Lo's music pumping from his speakers and wonder
why the guy refuses to allow him to "price" the fuel pump ... "20K is too
much now...he should collect 18K!"
5.When he does get this Lexus he dreams of, he now wonders why certain guys
and girls on main campus chin him....okay now he needs to join a club..Rho,
ABC anything...anything but Students Union
6.He now carries the club chief up and down campus....strangely the club
chief is wearing Hausa slippers, faded jeans and T shirt and still gets MORE
props (from chicks AND guys) as they drive round school...theres something
wrong here!?!??
7.The amount of money u pay for a BQ can rent u an apartment in Onike...
8. The amount u pay for a bedspace in smelly morems can rent u an apartment
in VGC...
9.Five goons go to beach and get high on cheap liquer(apeteshi, indo and
things) and enter A-Bar or Ocean View, buy one beer (to share) and then look
stoned all night long...
10.People wear their finest for classes and then dress casually to church,
parties etc
11.A super ugly babe can be a babe if she has a clan of pretty chicks who
follow her for divine advice...and a few clothes and "chickly" sunglasses
12. A skele is a belle, a belle is a babe, a babe is a movie star...
13.Niggers spend more than their father paid for their mothers bride price
for the toasting process and still get no play
14. A guy will "jabo" his mother so he can pick up his belle in school...
15. A guy leave his exam hall early so he can drive his babe from main
campus to morems...
16.A guy can tell u all about the complex calculations of Beckham or Kanus
weekly salary but cannot calculate his GPA...
17.A guy can run off the entire lyrics of bone thugs and harmonys
entire album and cannot recall anything from his classes an hour before
18.Everybody has a guy/babe in jand...and I mean EVERYBODY
19.Chicks eat chicken and chips all semester and then eat eba, ogi and agbo
jedi throughout the holidays....
20.Six niggers in a 504 who share the same room in El-Kanemi Hall wonder why
dem no get any chick for the rave wey dem just dey come from....oh and they
all use the same cheap perfume
21.Girls with big stomachs insist on wearing tight outfits...
22.Guys sit on their cars pumping music and hugging chicks all day and then
wonder how come their lecturer(who's class they missed) saw them and hates
their guts...with a passion
23.Money for club party for a semester is higher than school fees for your
entire 4 year tuition...
24.Some guy carries an afro in naija heat so he can look like Snoop not
knowing that he looks more like his popsie when he was in jand in the
sixties
25. Guys raid their popsies wardrobe so they can dress "old school" when
alarm don blow...those clothes from jand are not landing soon
26.No car no school.....no baffs no school...and that's final
27. A "well endowed" chick will insist on wearing a boobs-enhancing,
cleavage revealing top and tight jeans to see her lecturer to submit an
assignment 8 weeks late and wonder why the guy wants her to "drop"...the
same con ditions would have applied if the assignment was a day early
28. A guy will starve all semester long so he can go for INXS rave...and
still spend the night alone eventually....
29. A babe that never went for classes all semester will braid her hair for
exam period...who's fooling who?
30. A chick will
a)"raid" collectibles and co a week before school starts and get the
scantiest, "cheapest" outfits that she and her friends can find
b)dedicate her semester to satisfying the carnal desires of the nations
aristos and then wonder why they referred to her as a "cheap slut" in school
mag....
31. A guy/girl will leave school in a "drop" (hired taxi) but mysteriously
arrive home in a "ke-ke marwa" ... mysteries of modern science!
32.A guy will have to shack and smoke weed before he can toast the girl of
his dreams....my theory is this...why not shack and smoke AFTER she rejects
you....save the best for last
33.A guy/chick can fart with their mouth....the more they speak, the more u
smell BULLSHIT!
34.A guy will jabo two of his niggers from waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back (eg
nursery school or his biological brother) at a party for his belle and six
of her friends and wonder why they will hire UNILAG's "Men In Black" to spoil
things" for him and his car...in that order
35. A guy will spend more to feed his girlfriend in a semester (especially if
valentines falls during that semester) than UNICEF would use to feed a small
Ethiopian village...
36.Morems toilets smell worse during valentines and about three weeks
following...awoof dey run belle
37.After 3 years of doing the devil's "work" a skele hangs up the
championship belt and starts going to fellowship because even Satan wants
nothing more to do with her...
38.A guy will leave the AC in his BQ on all day and night even though his
house in Ikeja utilises an Adebowale Fan on number 3 for the same purpose...
39. Thi s same guy will spray perfume that his brother after working his
fingers to the bone in McDonalds bought and sent to him and enter
Morems...he will hug a few chicks who will compliment his "perf" and then
yarn with awon boys and inevitably go back to the room alone where his room
mate has fallen asleep with an open jar of Vaseline next to him...he removes
his clothes,turns off the light and jumps onto the mattress....then reaches
for the jar of vaseline (e need am)
40.UNILAG guys, out of frustration, will enter night bus to OSU, OSUA or
UNIJOS to hunt down woman...."Belles" have more fun....
41. A guy who lives in Chevron Estate will pick up his belle (from Alagbado)
and her friends from Satellite Town, Ikorodu Town and Aguda (Suru
Lere)respectively AND drop them off EVERY DAY and wonder why his popsie
bursts into tears when he sees the car he bought three months ago and his
mechanic has recently bought a danfo bus to use for
transport since he became his customer...
- A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the
preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He
grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and
Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service".
- Overloading
A man was going around 1.00am alone in his car and got to a
checkpoint. A policeman stopped him and asked for everything, which he gave out. The police had nothing to ask again, but in order to charge him with, guess what the police man said: "I charge you for driving alone at this time of the day, if you come get accident now who go go tell your people?"
The man replied: "I'm not alone, Jesus Christ is with me here, Angel
Gabriel, Angel Raphael, Angel Michael and five angels are with me here."
The policeman said: "All these people inside this your small car? I
charge you for overloading."
- A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when
they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is
actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A
ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the
ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the
husband cries out, "Watch the wall!"
If you think Boso tried, please help me convince him that he should start a Talk Show on www.funny-boso.tv - You dey click? Sorry o... :-)
